


trust

by byungjae



Category: Kiff Clan - Fandom, School Rapper (Korea TV)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, me projecting onto byungjae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 07:52:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17280038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byungjae/pseuds/byungjae
Summary: Byungjae relapses.





	trust

**Author's Note:**

> tw for self harm and me heavily projecting onto byungjae

“Do you trust me?”  
  
The question is enough to make Byungjae think about picking his razor back up. Haon’s heartbroken voice keeps him stable.   
  
“Yes.”   
  
“Please at least let me help clean you up, we don’t have to talk but I don’t want them to get infected again.”   
  
Byungjae stares at the door. It’s locked tight but he knows Haon could easily get in if he wanted to. The one time Haon had managed to get into the bathroom while Byungjae was having an episode it just made everything worse.   
  
“I don’t know,” Byungjae honestly replied   
  
“That’s fine I can wait- as long as it’s, not bad.”   
  
“It’s not bad.”   
  
“Good enough to keep us away from the hospital? No stitches?” Haon knew he was pushing a limit by even mentioning a hospital, but he also knew that Byungjae wouldn’t do anything else with him on the other side of the door.   
  
“It hurts.”   
  
“Do you need stitches?”   
  
“No. It just hurts.”   
  
“Do you not want it to hurt?”   
  
“I don’t want it to hurt.” Byungjae’s voice is getting weaker and Haon tries not to panic.   
  
“I can make it feel better if you let me clean you up. It’ll hurt more if you get an infection.”   
  
Byungjae started to think. The worst that could happen if he let Haon in is he could send him to the hospital. Then he would get admitted for sure, he’d stay for a few days if he lied and a few months if he was honest. The worst that could happen if he keeps Haon out is he cuts more and bleeds to death. Then Haon would be really sad and he’d have to deal with all the bloodstains in the bathroom. He didn’t want to make Haon deal with that.   
  
Haon wouldn’t try and put him back in the hospital. He knows how much Byungjae hates it, right? Of course he does. He wouldn’t do that. But even if he did send him there, he would at least visit. Byungjae has never had someone visit him in the ward.   
  
Byungjae stands from the floor. There’s only a small bit of blood pooled where he was sitting, and he decides it’s not enough to worry about. He unlocks the door and sits back down.   
  
“Byungjae?” Haon turns the handle. “Does that mean I can come in?”   
  
“Yeah.”   
  
Haon carefully opens the door, peeking in at Byungjae’s pitiful form on the ground before stepping in and squatting on the floor next to his boyfriend.   
  
“Let me see.” Haon’s tone offered no objections.   
  
Byungjae offers his arm to Haon, lifting it being a bit harder than he remembers. He tries to move his fingers but fails. He doesn’t tell Haon.   
  
Byungjae is so fixated on the blood running down his arms that he doesn’t see a tear fall down Haon’s cheek.   
  
Haon says nothing as he stands to wet a rag, keeping it warm enough to soothe but not hot enough to burn. He wrings out the rag before squatting down again.   
  
“I’ll be gentle,” he says. Byungjae watches as his cuts are covered with the rag, and tinted water starts rolling off of his arms instead of plain blood.   
  
“It’s warm.” Byungjae says simply.   
  
“Do you like it warm?”   
  
“I like it warm. I like being warm.”   
  
“Can you hold the rag there while I get something?” Byungjae shakes his head. “Please? It’ll keep your arm warm.” This is enough to convince Byungjae, who weakly brings up his clean hand to hold the rag in place.   
  
Haon returns to the bathroom with bandages and rubbing alcohol.   
  
“Byungjae.” He looks up at Haon and sees the alcohol in his hands. He tightens his grip on the rag and an uncomfortable amount of red water drips onto the tile. “You can let go of the rag now.”   
  
Byungjae does, though reluctantly. The stained rag plops onto the floor, now sitting in the center of a watery pool of blood.   
  
“I’m going to put this on your arm. It’s-“   
  
“It’s going to sting I don’t want it to sting.” Byungjae’s pupils shake for a second before they steady on the bottle at hand.   
  
“You’ll sting more in a week if you don’t sting for a little bit right now.”   
  
“I already sting I don’t want to sting more.”   
  
“Do you remember last time when you didn’t let me clean you up?” Byungjae blinks and nods sadly. “And you said it looked like worms got under your skin?”   
  
“I didn’t like when there were worms under my skin.”   
  
“I know. That’s why we need to clean you now so that no more worms can crawl in.”   
  
Byungjae nods again. He drops his arm on Haon’s lap as permission to use the alcohol.   
  
“Don’t forget to breathe, it’ll be over soon.” Once Byungjae started hyperventilating because of the rubbing alcohol, and since then Haon always makes sure not to let it get that far.   
  
Byungjae’s lip twitches and a whine crawls out of his throat when Haon pours the alcohol. He feels like screaming and kicking his legs and picking his razor back up but he just curls his toes and let’s the burning feeling ground him.   
  
Haon rinses off his arm twice before adding a bit more alcohol. He shushes Byungjae’s quiet whimper of protest and rinses him with water again.   
  
“You did it, see Angel it wasn’t that bad”   
  
Byungjae’s heart beat out of his chest and the whole world was tinted yellow. His eyes squinted up and his teeth showed, a crooked, sad smile adorning his face.   
  
Haon has gotten exceptionally good at wrapping bandages. It takes him no time at all to wrap up Byungjae’s arm, keeping it tight but not too tight.   
  
“You need to change into new clothes.” They were both stained with blood in various places. Byungjae was worse off.

  
“Big clothes,” Byungjae says.

  
“Can you stand up for me so you can change?”   
  
Byungjae tries. He starts with his clean arm to push himself off of the floor but subconsciously uses his other arm and almost screams out at the pain.

  
“Hey hey, hey it’s ok.” Haon cups Byungjae’s face and rubs his cheeks. “I’ll pick you up.”   
  
“I’m too heavy, you can’t.”   
  
“Hush.” Haon wraps two arms around Byungjae’s waist to hoist him up and over his shoulder. It’s a shaky, slow walk to the bed, but a successful one.   
  
Haon takes a breath before grabbing the biggest hoodie he could find.   
  
“Up.” Byungjae lifts his arms as high as he could and Haon sweeps his shirt off. He keeps them raised as Haon pulls the hoodie over him.   
  
When Byungjae’s Head peeks out, Haon kisses him so briefly that Byungjae doesn’t register it until the younger has already pulled away.   
  
Haon tugs off Byungjae’s sweatpants, knowing he likes to sleep in just his boxers, and tosses them into an empty hamper across the room. They’re black shorts, so the blood shouldn’t stain too bad, but the grey shirt Byungjae was wearing was a lost cause.   
  
“I’m sorry.” Byungjae sounds sad, but not as weak as he sounded on the floor.

  
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, angel.” Haon moves away to change into clean clothes himself, and Byungjae watches his skin show for a moment before being covered back up.   
  
“I always do this.” Byungjae twists one of the strings of his hoodie and takes a moment to think about wrapping it around his neck.

  
Haon got on his knees on the floor. He placed his hands on each of Byungjae’s knees and stared softly at him.   
  
“You could do it a thousand times more and I’d still want to help- a million times more and I’d still cry.” Byungjae’s lip quivers. “But I’ll still sit by the door until you let me in, every day until I die if I have to.”   
  
“I’m sorry,” Byungjae repeats.

  
“I love you, you know? A lot, I love you a lot” Byungjae nods sadly and he starts to cry. “I would do anything for you, I will do anything for you.”   
  
“I lov- I love you too” Byungjae’s fingers curl into the bedsheets and it’s then that he realizes he can use his fingers again. He grabs Haon’s hands in his. “I love you.”   
  
“I love you and I love taking care of you, so please let me. I know it’s hard but I just want to be here for you when you need me the most.”   
  
Byungjae nods. Haon stands and cups Byungjae’s cheeks to kiss him softly.   
  
Their tears mix. 

**Author's Note:**

> tysm for reading!!!!!!!


End file.
